A few weeks ago I had to remove two old rusted garage door springs and mechanisms. My wife definitely said, “Be careful, those things are powerful.”
I didn’t see any easy way to first remove the spring, so I took off all the bolts and nuts till the whole contraption was held docilely in place by one loose bolt. Emboldened, I firmly and carefully held the mechanism to pull it off. I quickly realized that rusty old spring, like Caleb (Joshua 14:10-12), had life in it yet. In shaky shock, I wondered how many bones I’d broken. I later gave thanks that I had gotten off lightly with three bruised, bleeding fingers, instead of losing a digit or an eye.
When I later told my wife she very compassionately refrained from saying, “I told you so.” She did, however, less compassionately remark, “I guess it’s true what they say about men having a shorter life expectancy.”
It made me think of the Darwin Awards, given to people like the chap who decided to take a selfie with an injured and “harmless” bear.
In case you’re wondering, high IQ academics are not immune to stupidity; I read about the impatient astronomer who popped his head out the dome while the telescope was in motion.
This makes me realize that impatience, driven by untamed desire, not low IQ, is at the heart of stupidity (and sin). I similarly realize that high-brow lefties and low-brow red-necks are equally stupid in their own ways (“a plague on both houses” in our current culture wars, I say).
Nevertheless, wishing to challenge my wife’s sexist comment, I checked a research paper on sex differences in the Darwin awards. Analysing the winners over a 20 year period (1995-2014), it stated, “Winners of the Darwin Award must eliminate themselves from the gene pool in such an idiotic manner that their action ensures one less idiot will survive… males made up 88.7% of Darwin Award winners, and this sex difference is highly statistically significant (χ2=190.30; P<0.0001).”
I conceded that round to my wife.
I did wonder about nominating myself for the Darwin Awards but faced the dilemma that awards are of necessity given posthumously. The only living recipients are those who accidentally sterilize themselves. Checking the angle of the spring and mechanism I realize wistfully that I just missed making it onto the list.
A few weeks later I approached the second spring and mechanism with infinitely greater caution and respect: I immobilized the spring with four clip lock straps, hammered out the spring’s retaining bolt, and slowly released the tension on each strap to deliver that baby. I warily looked at that spring on the floor the way a bushman might cautiously prod a snake he’s killed.
With the first spring and mechanism I was more like Alfred E Neuman, the icon of idiocy made famous by Mad Magazine. With the second I was more like the archetype of arrogance, Julius Caesar, made popularly famous by my equally beloved Asterix comics.
So which one’s me? Neither.
Before I became a Christian, or as a young, immature Christian, I might have found my self-image yo-yoing between these two superficial markers of identity, stupidity versus intelligence, unable to heed Rudyard Kipling’s famous quote: “If you can meet success and failure and treat them both as impostors, then you are a balanced man, my son.”
But now I know better. And more importantly than Kipling’s wonderful phrase, I cherish these words from God’s Word: “Rom 3:23-24 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, (24) and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
It doesn’t matter if we fall short through evil desire, corruption, rebellion, inconsistency, stupidity, weakness, ignorance or any other lack and failing. Falling short means missing the roof-top edge of a building, and plunging… unless there is a divine, blood-stained, nail-pierced, redemptive hand to grab you.
Mad Magazine has the famous “I’m with stupid” T-shirt. I imagine Jesus wearing that T-shirt and standing next to me; except stupid is crossed out with a dripping red cross and on it is written my true identity: “Rev 2:17 Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who is victorious, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give that person a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to the one who receives it.”
I know Jesus is with me.
And when Jesus says, “I’m with you”, it means fully and forever.
And if that’s not good news I don’t know what is.
