I HAVE REPENTED, I HAVE GONE OVER TO THE OTHER SIDE, I HAVE TURNED OVER A NEW LEAF.  PLANTS ARE MY NEW FRIENDS.

Several factors conspired to cause my miraculous conversion from floral cynic to fan.  Besides reminding myself of the divorce-destroying adage that has served our marriage so well (“if it’s important to you it’s important to me”) and seeing pictures of plants and mushrooms growing through concrete and asphalt (who am I to oppose God – Gen 1:31), my careful reading of “The Secret Life of Plants: a Fascinating Account of the Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Relations Between Plants and Man” was deeply moving.  To be totally honest I only read the introduction (…most of it…okay, okay…I skimmed parts of the introduction), but this sentence sealed the deal: “Instinctively aware of the aesthetic vibrations of plants, which are spiritually satisfying, human beings are happiest and most comfortable when living with flora.”  Who doesn’t want to be comfortable and happy? (Heck, I’m an Enneagram 7; comfort and happiness are THE life goals).

As the Bible says, true repentance must be demonstrated by changed behaviour (Acts 26:20), and faith without works is dead (James 2:26): so, besides making space for plants and establishing direct eye contact, I will try and learn their names.  When my wife phones me and says, “Can you move the Dracaena Gold Star closer to the window and water it?”, I will try to do better than simply say, “Which one’s that? You know they all look the same to me.” (which is such a racist comment).

I mean what’s the worst that can happen?  If I stumble into the bathroom and onto the toilet seat in the middle of the night and find my undercarriage tickled by an Adiantum Aethiopicum (sorry, a  Maidenhair Fern for those of you who are still vegetally unwoke), I will immediately understand that there simply wasn’t room in the bathtub, it’s only temporary, and at least it wasn’t a cactus.  And If I open my sock and underwear drawer and find a Delicious Monster consorting with a Bird’s Nest Fern I will smile indulgently and remind myself that all my google search results on the benefits of indoor plants mentioned improved air quality. 

From now on you can call me “the plant man” (or at least for the next two weeks).