THE OFFICIAL LAUNCH OF THE INTERNATIONAL BALD CONSCIOUSNESS MOVEMENT
In a previous post I waxed pitiful about tooth loss, but it led to zero financial and political advancement. I have therefore decided to cast my net of victimhood further and tackle the social scourge of baldism head on.
It is an indisputable fact that men and women with luscious locks and titillating tresses are granted undeserved trust and respect, and they enjoy unwarranted social advancement.
In order to overturn this nefarious state of affairs I am single-handedly launching “the international bald consciousness movement ” (“Tibcm” for short).
For those who fear that this might be a despotic movement, let me set your hearts at ease…it will be.
Nevertheless, it will be a gentle and benevolent despotism. I will not require everyone to be bald headed…immediately. Furthermore, any hair below the neckline will remain people’s own business.
I have noticed that despots always precede irrational and evil behaviour with a sustained propaganda campaign; so here goes:
Firstly, can we make a case that bald people are more moral? We’ll, let me just ask you one thing: would you rather have your daughter go out with Ghandi or Rasputin?…I’m just saying. (Okay, Ghandi did have a moustache, but nobody’s perfect).
Secondly, we can take the biblical example of Absalom, one of King David’s sons. Absalom was a pretty boy with pretty locks. (“This Absalom! There wasn’t a man in all Israel talked about so much for his handsome good looks—and not a blemish on him from head to toe! When he cut his hair—he always cut it short in the spring because it had grown so heavy—the weight of the hair from his head was over two pounds!” 2 Sam 14:25-26).
And yet Absalom was a scoundrel who usurped the Kingdom. After David fled Jeruaslem, he slept with his father’s wives in a roof-top tent in full view of Israel. However, he met his end ignominiously (in 2 Samuel 18) when, fleeing on his mule, his thick hair got caught in the thick branches of an oak tree. He was left hanging until David’s men found him and finished him off.
Now what is this story trying to tell us? If, for our purposes, we ignore all established, decent, and safe rules of biblical interpretation, it seems clear that the central message is that head hair is evil.
Proceeding from this secure foundation, I will, off course, need to revisit, reframe, and even rewrite all aspects of history and popular culture:
Look out for the hit musical “Hairless”, the spy thriller “The Bald Identity” (including the sequels: The Bald Supremacy; The Bald Ultimatum; The Bald legacy), the classic soapie “the Bald and the beautiful” as well as reissues of literary classics such as Hemmingway’s “The Bald man and the sea.” I’ll also be releasing numerous well-researched non-fiction works, such as: “Skinheads, a misunderstood generation.”
Yours in revolutionary baldness.
